Dear Ms Wonderbra,
I know what you're planning to do right now. You're planning to go back on Facebook chat and spend the next 5 hours talking to Nikki. Aren't you?
You're not going to keep avoiding her for no reason other than you can't be bothered. This is what friendship is all about: Commitment. You know what's going to happen if you keep this up, don't you? If you lose this one then you're going to be alone and friendless for the rest of your life. I know you may enjoy your own company now but trust me if you spend enough time alone with yourself you'll find out that you are about as interesting as a wet carrot.
The Manager
Best Friends Club
Monday, 9 May 2011
Society of People Who Are Definitely Going to Fail School (And Most Probably Life as Well!) I
Dear Ms Wonderbra,
It is with great pleasure that we invite you to join our Society.
We have just found out about your study plan. It’s so impressive! You’ve had months to revise for your English exam on Friday and from what we’ve heard not only have you not done any revision but you’ve practically forgotten what The Great Gatsby is even about!
Fabulous!
Not only that but we’ve also been informed that you’re not even going to be in the country for two of your three exams. Instead you’re going to be off in France with your friends killing your braincells with a mixture of hard liqueur and loud music! Wow, your commitment to this Society really is inspiring.
Oh what’s that? You've skipped all of your classes today so as you could study? And you haven't even so much as opened a book? Your first (and only) exam is in four days? You say you're going to study tomorrow? And you think it's going to make a difference!!!
That’s really very amusing, Alice. We like you for it. You’re perfect for our Society and we’re very excited about having you join.
Yours sincerely,
The Manager
Society of People Who Are Definitely Going to Fail School (And Most Probably Life as Well!)
It is with great pleasure that we invite you to join our Society.
We have just found out about your study plan. It’s so impressive! You’ve had months to revise for your English exam on Friday and from what we’ve heard not only have you not done any revision but you’ve practically forgotten what The Great Gatsby is even about!
Fabulous!
Not only that but we’ve also been informed that you’re not even going to be in the country for two of your three exams. Instead you’re going to be off in France with your friends killing your braincells with a mixture of hard liqueur and loud music! Wow, your commitment to this Society really is inspiring.
Oh what’s that? You've skipped all of your classes today so as you could study? And you haven't even so much as opened a book? Your first (and only) exam is in four days? You say you're going to study tomorrow? And you think it's going to make a difference!!!
That’s really very amusing, Alice. We like you for it. You’re perfect for our Society and we’re very excited about having you join.
Yours sincerely,
The Manager
Society of People Who Are Definitely Going to Fail School (And Most Probably Life as Well!)
The Association of Adolescents I
Dear Ms Wonderbra,
It has come to our attention that you are incredibly bad at being an adolescent.
Basically you’re a crotchety old hag, only with zits. You spend all your time griping about your health, drinking tea, and (granted, for reasons other than most old ladies, but still) despairing about the fate of your country and it’s people. Oh, and you’ve already given up on getting any sort of romantic partner. So yes, well done you.
I mean, just look at your room. You haven’t got any posters on your wall (Don’t try to tell us that one counts. A political campaign poster of the SNP? Give us a break.)
Your little sister has taken up about 90% of the room with various toys whereas you have been confined to your small fold out bed in the corner. So tell me, where are you supposed to go if you need some alone time with a guy huh? Not that there ever will be a guy as you appear to have turned ASEXUAL!
Honestly, you used to be so good at all of this what with that almost pregnancy scare and the time you spent two hours wandering about topless during a party and not giving a damn!
Not to hurt your feelings or anything, but you are an embarrassment to your generation. Therefore, could you please climb into the freezer and wait very quietly until your teenage years end?
Thank you.
Yours sincerely,
The Association of Adolescents
P.S. Also, you don’t seem to understand how to get a tan. Are you afraid of the light? Or do your parents just lock you in the basement?
It has come to our attention that you are incredibly bad at being an adolescent.
Basically you’re a crotchety old hag, only with zits. You spend all your time griping about your health, drinking tea, and (granted, for reasons other than most old ladies, but still) despairing about the fate of your country and it’s people. Oh, and you’ve already given up on getting any sort of romantic partner. So yes, well done you.
I mean, just look at your room. You haven’t got any posters on your wall (Don’t try to tell us that one counts. A political campaign poster of the SNP? Give us a break.)
Your little sister has taken up about 90% of the room with various toys whereas you have been confined to your small fold out bed in the corner. So tell me, where are you supposed to go if you need some alone time with a guy huh? Not that there ever will be a guy as you appear to have turned ASEXUAL!
Honestly, you used to be so good at all of this what with that almost pregnancy scare and the time you spent two hours wandering about topless during a party and not giving a damn!
Not to hurt your feelings or anything, but you are an embarrassment to your generation. Therefore, could you please climb into the freezer and wait very quietly until your teenage years end?
Thank you.
Yours sincerely,
The Association of Adolescents
P.S. Also, you don’t seem to understand how to get a tan. Are you afraid of the light? Or do your parents just lock you in the basement?
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